Due to the demands of my practice, I am no longer able to continue regularly writing the original content posts on the blog. I will, of course, continue to post about resources and articles of interest. Starting today, I will begin reposting the original blog posts as well. Periodically, I may add new content from time to time when I feel there is a topic I have something to write about. For those you enjoy the content at this site, I hope you continue to find useful material here.
With that in mind, here is the original post that discussed the benefits of metaphors in facilitating communication, the theme of my blog posts:
It’s no secret that parents and teens can often have a hard time communicating. In a study done in 2001, about one-third of U.S. 15-year-old students had difficulty talking to their mothers, compared to about one-fifth of 11 year-olds. While ranking in the top three countries (out of 28 countries compared) for difficulties (at all ages), the U.S. was only slightly higher than average. Fifty-three percent of U.S. girls and 42 percent of boys reported difficulty communicating with their fathers. Across countries, 28 percent of 15-year-olds on average reported difficulties talking to their mothers, ranging from 16 to 36 percent. Older teenagers reported more problems than younger kids.[i] Another study showed that parents tend to overestimate their facility communicating with their teens.[ii]
Nor are these problems anything new. In the book Families: What Makes Them Work (1983), the author studied over one thousand families, exploring the separate perspectives of husbands, wives, and teenagers. Teens reported having a hard time communicating with both parents. While mothers believed that they were communicating effectively, the fathers were more aware of communication problems. Teens reported that the greatest stresses they had with their parents were day-to-day hassles and pressure to do well in school. The three greatest stresses on the whole family during years with teens were finances, marital satisfaction, and family accord.[iii]
Research supports the notion that positive and effective communication between parents and teens provides essential support, which can insulate teens from potential pitfalls and increase their chances of success in many facets of their lives. Teenagers who reported feeling connected to their parents were more likely to delay initiating sexual intercourse. Teens who said their families were warm and caring also reported less marijuana use and less emotional distress than their peers.[iv] Teens whose parents are warm and firm and grant them psychological autonomy achieve more in school, report less depression and anxiety, and score higher on measures of self-reliance and self-esteem than teens whose parents fail to demonstrate these elements.[v] Improving parents’ communication skills made younger family members think more negatively of alcohol use and early sexual activity.[vi] Family support, parenting styles, and the influence of peer pressure have been linked to adolescent health behavior.[vii]
When parents have high expectations of how much their teenagers can achieve, if those expectations are communicated and understood clearly, and if they respect the teenager’s need for autonomy and independence, such expectations can increase the teenager’s own academic expectations, which leads them to higher academic achievement.[viii]
With regards to minorities, African American teens are more likely to use discussion, self-affirmation, and disproving strategies to counter stereotypes and racism and to have higher self-esteem when their parents have discussed both achievement and discrimination with them than when parents ignore issues related to discrimination and racism.[ix] Native American youth who reported that their families cared about and understood them had better emotional and physical health and resiliency than peers reporting less family closeness.[x]
On the other hand, poor communication between parents and teens can have costly effects. Teens who reported feeling a lack of parental warmth, love, or caring were also more likely to report emotional distress, lower self-esteem, school problems, drug use, and sexual risk behaviors.[xi] Mothers’ and fathers’ hostility was significantly correlated with teens’ distrusting their mother and perceiving little maternal support. These feelings, in turn, were significantly associated with siblings’ reports that the affected youth showed negative social behaviors and with teachers’ reports of peers not accepting the teens.[xii]
Teenagers who report difficulties in talking to their parents are likely to also have similar difficulties talking with elder siblings, perhaps indicating overall family communication problems. Teenagers who report difficulties in talking to their parents also find it more difficult to make friends. For 11-year-old girls, difficulties talking with parents is associated with feeling less healthy. Girls who report poor family communication tend to feel lonelier.[xiii]
So parents and teens can often have difficulty communicating, and those difficulties have potentially quite alarming consequences for teens. Naturally, parents will want to communicate better with their teen. No parent sets out to have poor or little communication with her teen. Most parents want to find a way to reach their teens that respects the teen’s autonomy and perspective, yet helps the teen hear what the parents are trying to say. And lets not forget that these studies point to CORRELATION nor CAUSATION. Who is to say which came first, the troubled teen or the parent who has difficulty talking to that teen? And communication is a two-way street. What can a parent do with a teen who pushes them away? What can a parent do when they feel stuck and direct discussion only leads to repeating the same arguments yet again? I have found that metaphors can help parents support their teenagers navigate the complex process of emotional development with non-confrontational stories that can offer new perspective.
Metaphors[xiv] can offer a new way of communication with your teen. While advice can come across as threatening, controlling, or even insulting, new ideas are easier to accept through a metaphor. Teens can be more open and flexible in their thinking when they are listening to a story instead of having their parent tell them what they should be doing.[xv] Stories can show teens that there is another way to think about their lives and their problems.[xvi] As a result, they can imagine different ways of dealing with those problems.
What are metaphors anyway? Before I continue, it makes sense to get a concrete meaning of the concept of metaphor. According to linguists, a metaphor is a type of trope, a word that is used beyond its literal meaning to illustrate a point. The word metaphor comes from the Greek roots meta, meaning beyond or transforming, and pherein, meaning to carry or bear. So metaphors are used to refer to a familiar or vivid concept in order to transfer that familiarity or emphasis to a new concept.
We all use metaphors to some extent. They have become such a part of our language that we often use them without even realizing it. Such simple and common statements as ‘I am feeling down today,’ or ‘she really lifted my spirits’ are subtle forms of metaphor that have become so familiar that we may not even think of them as metaphors.[xvii]
Some metaphors are used so frequently, that we all know them and can refer to them as a form of communication shorthand and know that the listener will instantly recognize the reference. For example, referring to understanding as being like vision, including ‘I see what you mean,’ ‘I don’t see things the same way,’ and ‘he has a distorted view on things.’ Another common metaphor is that love is like fire, including ‘there were sparks flying,’ ‘thing are really heating up,’ ‘I am burning for her,’ and ‘it was a hot, steamy relationship.’
We use metaphors to communicate something complicated, something personal, something painful, or something foreign to the listener by forming a more easily communicated reference point. They provide a form of verbal shorthand, allowing the speaker to communicate a lot of vivid information about a concept in an accessible manner. They provide greater understanding between speaker and listener. Metaphors can also protect the speaker from speaking about a delicate subject directly, whether it is the speaker or the listener who might be uncomfortable with a more direct discussion.[xviii]
By creating vivid metaphors, a parent can be more confident that his ideas are being communicated effectively. Metaphors can be exchanged back and forth in a process of refining meaning and greater understanding. When discussing very personal and subjective experiences, this allows more certainty that I understand what you mean, and vice versa.[xix]
For all these reasons, I frequently make use of metaphors in sessions with clients. As a psychologist, I have seen first-hand the power that metaphors have to alter a teen’s frame of mind regarding himself, his problems, or his interactions with others. In discussing a parallel situation in the context of a metaphor, a teen’s perspective on his own situation can change. He can imagine different ways of responding when he is talking about someone else that he might not have imagined while talking about himself. He can believe someone else can change, while feeling trapped in his own habits himself.[xx] Metaphors also provide a powerful and vivid image, which a teen can hold onto in order to remind himself of the changes he wishes to make.[xxi]
From time to time, I will be posting one of the metaphors that I have used with clients on the blog. Each of these metaphors was born in that moment of ‘flow.’ Flow is a moment that we all experience from time to time. It is the moment when you are totally present and involved in what you are doing or saying. In that moment, your choices are driven by training, experience, focus, and instincts. In a moment of flow, you KNOW what to say or do next even if you are not certain why you know.[xxii]
“A good [session] should be like a small play…but played seriously. A good [therapist] does not become tense, but ready; not thinking, but not dreaming; ready for whatever may come. When the [client] expands, I contract. When he contracts. I expand. And when there is an opportunity, I do not [respond], [the words respond] all by [themselves].” [xxiii]
In this moment of flow I have found that the right story can be a powerful tool of communication. I have since seen that these stories are useful to anyone who might benefit from a new perspective on familiar situations.
In sharing these metaphors on the blog, I am attempting to capture and share the stories that have taught me the most. In my life, I have encountered many stories… in books, in movies, and in less expected places. These stories have taught me so much. Some of the stories that I will share are elaborations or different versions of stories that were told or taught to me by peers and mentors. Some of them were likely repeating the stories as well. I do not claim sole authorship of these stories. Other stories are events that actually happened to me, and seemed to offer powerful metaphors and parables for life lessons. It is likely that the reader will already know many of these lessons, but perhaps never heard them presented in quite this way before. My only goal was to collect pieces of wisdom as I experienced them.
I found each of the stories useful. Sometimes they taught me something new. Sometimes they served as helpful reminders of something I already know, but need to practice more. Sometimes the metaphor simply captured an idea in a way that made it seem more accessible. These stories can help you inspire that part of your teen that wants to change in some way. Metaphors remind us all of the things that we know, yet do not always think of when we act. I hope the reader finds some of them as useful as I continue to find them.
These metaphors can be catalysts for personal growth.[xxiv] In experiencing these metaphors there is an opportunity for the teen to alter his attitudes and assumptions regarding himself and his problems, and to help him cope and grow in ways that he could not achieve before[xxv]. I believe that anyone who reads these stories will find some that resonate with their experiences. Many people struggle with repeatedly making the same mistakes and feeling stuck, yet they are not able to seek out help from others.
When discussing the metaphors, I will reference clinical examples to elaborate on the points that they raise. In each of these cases, the names, personal details, and all of the identifying information has been significantly altered so as to protect the privacy and confidentiality of my clients. In some cases, the examples provided may be compilations of several clients, but each story has some basis in real experiences.
These stories offer a glimpse into what therapy has to offer. It will inspire some readers to find fresh strategies to cope with their problems. For others it can open the door to the idea that anyone can benefit from exploring those problems more thoroughly in therapy. Now it is true that reading these stories in no way parallels the experience of sitting with a therapist. But if the reader is open, these stories offer an opportunity for growth and learning.
[i]National Academy of Sciences Committee on Health and Behavior. Health and Behavior: The interplay of biological, behavior, and societal influences. Washington, DC: National Academy Press, 2001;pages 19-29. (Available at http://nap.edu.)
[ii] Bielick, S. L. , (2003) Intra-Dyadic Agreement Between Parents and Their Teenagers. Retrieved April 7, 2010 from http://www.allacademic.com/meta/p116366_index.html
[iii] Olson, David. Families: What makes them work. Beverly Hills: Saga, 1983.
[iv] Resnick MD et al. Protecting adolescents from harm: findings from the National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health. JAMA 1997;278:823-32.
[v] Steinberg L. We know some things: parent-adolescent relationships in retrospect and prospect. J Research Adolesc 2001; 11:1-19.
[vi] Parent Training Can Change Kids’ Attitude (2004). Retrieved April 6, 2010 from: http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/tipsforparents/a/blhnbs040517.htm
[vii] Spear HJ, Kulbok PA. Adolescent health behaviors and related factors: A review. Public Health Nursing 2001;18(2):82-93.
[viii] Patrikakou, Evanthia. Adolescence: Are Parents Relevant to Students’ High School Achievement and Post-Secondary Attainment? Family Involvement Research Digests. Retrieved April 6, 2010 from: http://www.hfrp.org/publications-resources/browse-our-publications/adolescence-are-parents-relevant-to-students-high-school-achievement-and-post-secondary-attainment
[ix] Phinney JS, Chavira V. Parental ethic socialization and adolescent coping with problems related to ethnicity. J Research Adolesc 1995; 5:31-53.
[x] Cummins JR et al. Correlates of physical and emotional health among Native American adolescents. J Adolesc Health 1999;24:38-44.
[xi] Resnick MD et al. Protecting adolescents from harm: findings from the National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health. JAMA 1997;278:823-32.
[xii] Paley B et al. Parents’ affect, adolescent cognitive representations, and adolescent social development. J Marriage Fam 2000; 62:761-76.
[xiii]Roberts C, Currie C, Samdal O, Currie D, Smith R & Maes L (2007) Measuring the health and health behaviours of adolescents through cross-national survey research: recent developments in the Health Behaviour in School-aged Children (HBSC) study. Journal of Public Health, 15(3), 179-186.
[xiv] A useful definition of the metaphor in therapy was described by Sebastiano Santostephano: “A metaphor is a pattern of images, words, emotions, and actions which synthesizes, conserves, and represents experiences. But when imposed on information, a metaphor not only determines how the information is construed, but also prescribes particular actions and emotions.” Page 79 of Santostephano, Sebastiano. (1984) Cognitive control therapy with children: Rationale and technique. Psychotherapy, 21, 76-91.
For a simpler definition: “A metaphor is defined as a way of speaking in which one thing is expressed in terms of another, whereby this bringing together throws new light on the character of what is being described.” Page 17 of Kopp, Sheldon. (1971). Guru: Metaphors from a Psychotherapist. Palo Alto: Science and Behavior Books.
[xv] The art of storytelling goes back generations. There has been much research on how listening to a story can engage the listener into a state of curiosity and openness. A good story will engage a listener because it is captivating. A good metaphor will lead to learning because it resonates with the listener’s personal experience.
Berman, Michael & Brown, David. (2000). The Power of Metaphor: Storytelling & guided journeys for teachers, trainers & therapists. Norwalk, Connecticut: Crown House Publishing Company.
[xvi] One explanation is that metaphors provide an indirect way of communicating about topics that one might find difficult to deal with directly. They provide a therapeutic use of the defense mechanism known as displacement. Displacement involves taking out one’s frustrations, feelings, and impulses on people or objects that are less threatening. Metaphors allow you to develop ways of coping with a problem without talking about the problem directly. So all the typical defenses and emotional reactions to talking about the problem are less likely to be obstacles. This provides an opportunity to see the problem in a different light. By bypassing those reactions, it is easier to come up with new solutions.
Brooks, Robert. (1985, Winter). The Beginning sessions of child therapy: Of messages and metaphors. Psychotherapy, 22 (4), 761-769.
Brooks, Robert. (1981, Spring). Creative Characters: A technique in child therapy. Psychotherapy: Theory, research and practice, 18 (1), 131-139.
Ferrara, K. (1994). Therapeutic Ways with Words. Oxford:. Oxford University Press.
Gordon, David. (1978). Therapeutic Metaphor. Cupertino, California: META Publications.
Owen, Nick. (2001). The Magic of Metaphor. Norwalk, Connecticut: Crown House Publishing Company.
[xvii] Lakoff, George & Johnson, Mark. (1980). Metaphors We Live By. Chicago: the University of Chicago Press.
[xviii] Ferrara, K. (1994). Therapeutic Ways with Words. Oxford:. Oxford University Press.
Katz, A.N., Cacciari, C, Gibbs, Jr., R.W. & Turner, M. (1998). Figurative Language and Thought. New York, NY: Oxford University Press, Inc.
Kopp, Richard, R. (1998). Early recollections in Adlerian and metaphor therapy. The Journal of Individual Psychology, 54(4). 480-486.
Kopp, Richard R. (2004) Using early memory metaphors and client-generated metaphors in Adlerian therapy. Journal of Individual Psychology, 60(2), 163-174.
Lakoff, George & Johnson, Mark. (1980). Metaphors We Live By. Chicago: the University of Chicago Press.
Siegelman, E.Y. (1990). Metaphor & Meaning in Psychotherapy. New York, NY: The Guilford Press
[xix] Gordon, David. (1978). Therapeutic Metaphor. Cupertino, California: Meta Publications.
[xx] There is much literature on therapists using metaphors as a means of communicating with clients. They become a safe medium for a client to say and hear things in a less threatening manner. A therapist can use metaphors to help a client find a new perspective and new coping skills in order to make the changes he wants to make.
Barker, P. (1985). Using Metaphors in Psychotherapy. New York, NY: Brunner/Mazel, Inc.
Brooks, Robert. (1985, Winter). The Beginning sessions of child therapy: Of messages and metaphors. Psychotherapy, 22 (4), 761-769.
Brooks, Robert. (1981, Spring). Creative Characters: A technique in child therapy. Psychotherapy: Theory, research and practice, 18 (1), 131-139.
Berman, Michael & Brown, David. (2000). The Power of Metaphor: Storytelling & guided journeys for teachers, trainers & therapists. Norwalk, Connecticut: Crown House Publishing Company.
Gordon, David. (1978). Therapeutic Metaphor. Cupertino, California: Meta Publications.
Owen, Nick. (2001). The Magic of Metaphor. Norwalk, Connecticut: Crown House Publishing Company.
Pipher, Mary. (2003). Letterd to a Young Therapist. New York : Basic Books. (pp. 63-68)
Zeig, J.K.(Ed.) (1980). A Teaching Seminar with Milton H. Erikson. New York, NY: Brunner/Mazel, Inc.
[xxi] Rigby, Liz. & Waite, Sandy. (2007). Group Therapy for Self-Esteem, Using Creative Approaches and Metaphor as Clinical Tools. Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy. 35(3), 361-364.
Zeig, J.K.(Ed.) (1980). A Teaching Seminar with Milton H. Erikson. New York, NY: Brunner/Mazel, Inc.
[xxii] Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly. (1990). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. New York : Harper & Row Publishers.
[xxiii] Paraphrased from the movie Enter The Dragon (1973). While Bruce Lee’s character was referring to a martial artist, I have applied his philosophy of open preparedness to therapy.
[xxiv] For more information on how metaphors can stimulate personal change, see:
Gordon, David. (1978). Therapeutic Metaphor. Cupertino, California: META Publications.
Owen, Nick. (2001). The Magic of Metaphor. Norwalk, Connecticut: Crown House Publishing Company.
[xxv] In fact, communicating through metaphor is nothing new. It is as old as the process of storytelling. Furthermore, we all carry metaphors with us on a daily basis. We all have ways of viewing the word around us that are conceived through metaphors. These metaphors represent an individual’s way of seeing herself, the world, and her problems.
Berman, Michael & Brown, David. (2000). The Power of Metaphor: Storytelling & guided journeys for teachers, trainers & therapists. Norwalk, Connecticut: Crown House Publishing Company
Gordon, David. (1978). Therapeutic Metaphor. Cupertino, California: META Publications.
Lakoff, George & Johnson, Mark. (1980). Metaphors We Live By. Chicago: the University of Chicago Press.
Sacks, Sheldon (Ed.). (1978,1979). On Metaphor. Chicago: the University of Chicago Press.
