Common courtesy is hardest at home.
* * * *
Don’t keep score.
* * * *
If you are arguing about arguing i.e., ‘I didn’t yell!’ ‘Yes, you did!’ or you are taking turns yelling your point without any effort to really consider the point your partner just made, then communication is no longer happening. As hard as it is to walk away without your partner ‘understanding your point,’ sometimes the best thing to do is take a break and calm down, and then return to the subject when you are able to listen to what your partner has to say and consider it openly, and not just repeating what you want to say.
* * * *
Avoid battles of righteous indignation. Just because you have a valid point, doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t. Even if you are ‘right,’ that doesn’t mean that you have the right to shame her with it.
* * * *
Blame and yelling rarely motivates change, or respect. Whether it is self-blame or blaming your partner, blame is unlikely to achieve positive growth. When you yell at someone, the natural response is for her to dig in and defend, yell back, or cower and hide in shame. If your goal is to have her hear your point or change her behavior, then yelling is an inefficient tool.
* * * *
Stick to the present. Try to avoid calling up all the other crimes this one incident reminds you of. Try to avoid ‘you always’ and ‘you never’ statements. Try to avoid a ‘laundry list’ of complaints. Instead, try to stick to what is bothering you right now.
* * * *
When you realize you have been covering up, defending your shame, and avoiding accountability, it is never too late to apologize and admit a mistake.
* * * *
Be gentle with your partner’s shame. Make it easy for him to admit mistakes and apologize. Sooner or later you will be on the other end.
* * * *
‘I don’t know’ is a valid answer to ‘why.’
* * * *
Avoid rhetorical questions when you are angry. Often a ‘why did you…’ question is a veiled way of judging the other person’s behavior and an attempt to make her feel uncomfortable.
